How do you handle love not returned to you? How do you make someone care that you are hurt? I have identified my feelings over a matter and have felt some liberation, yet only to want to get even with the person that hurt me. I am good at getting even. I am great at telling someone how I feel and that they crossed the wrong path with me. I think that is called pride though. Lord I really need your help to not want to think of those eye for eye feelings. I want to think like You.
You were rejected over and over and over. That must hurt your heart, but you are God. You are omniscient, You are sovereign.
The above was written a week ago. Since then our family dilemma has taken another course of action in a positive way. I have so many emotions. I thought at the time of those feelings of rejection I needed to give that person a piece of mind. The Word covers this in depth:
"How good and pleasant it is when brothers to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious oil upon the head, coming down upon the beard, Even Aaron's beard, coming down upon the edge of his robes. It is like the dew of Hermon coming down upon the mountain of Zion; for there the LORD commanded the blessing--life forever." Psalm 133:1-3
"Let love be without hypcrosy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay', says the Lord. 'But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:9-21
After typing that I am so thankful for God's grace. But my question is, when do you stand up for yourself? When is that okay? I felt in voicing my concerns to a loved one I was defending our family's feelings. I should not wear my feelings on my sleeve though. I assumed someone felt a certain way only to realize it was my own pride thinking I was the center of their world. How puffed up of me. Lord, the repentance is happening, but I want to clearly state what I am sorry for. However, I do not want to beat myself up because that is not holy. I am your creation. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Over my lifetime, I have taken a friend out of my social network for being negative all of the time because I felt it was bringing me down. I have told a friend I would not stand by her in her wedding as her maid of honor since she lied behind my back about something that would influence the rest of my life, and now I have told someone off for not including my family. My husband labeled it "hard core". Yes, I am hard core which means I am straight to the point and I don't spare your feelings. I don't neccessarily like that about myself, I just speak the truth when no one is speaking it. That contradicts brothers living in unity. My grandmother was wise in saying to let it go. So I am letting it go. I am realizing my I can choose my feelings just like I choose to have a positive attitude. I know it may drive me crazy, but I am going to choose to live in unity and not take the offensive. I can love more when I don't feel like loving at all. I need to respect others feelings more than mine.
I am ready to let the scars heal over and disappear. It is time. Do I really need to go around the mountain again? Lord help, because I can't do it in my strength.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Legends of The Fall
Every time the season changes from summer to fall, Aaron and I pack up the house, paint the house we are moving into, and unpack all our many truckloads of stuff! Back in good ole' 2004 when we built our brand new house, this did not seem to be in the forecast, however, this is how our first few years of marriage turned out. My dad said last night that if your marriage can survive a move then you have a good one. Well, we must have a fantastic one since we have moved for our third time! I would loved to have been planted in one house when we decided to move to the Bay Area, but that is not how it turned out. We started our alternative medicine practice in 2007 clear across town (to Kemah from Humble) and since then we have been and are being pruned to let go of our ego's. Gosh, we had such big ego's! I know God has a reason for everything and in our effort to live the American Dream we went from trying to have it all to realizing that is not what life is about.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:30 p.m. was a turning point in Aaron and mine's life. We gave all our dreams and ambitions to the LORD. Yes we grew up in church, went to church camp, all the youth events the churches in our town had and talked the talk, but now it had come to making a decision about what we were going to do with our life and it was time to start walking the walk. We knew what the Christian life was all about but we needed to surrender the daily life to Him. It is October now of 2009 and our lives our much more abounding in God's grace and love since we decided to put him first. I am realizing what God wrote to the churches in Revelation:
"To the church of Ephesus: "Nevertheless, I have this against you, that you have left your first love." Rev 2:4
"I know your works, that your are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of my mouth." Rev 3:15-16
Those are hard realities to swallow, but I know in my heart the changes of the season has come for my heart and soul. In this past few months I have not modeled Christ's love and I want to turn that around. If I can say sorry to those I hurt let me do that now, especially my husband. My role as his wife and partner in this life is to help him and be his crowning glory. For my children I want to be the best mom I can be knowing what their needs are, not mine above theirs. What grace our Father has lavished upon us that He sees Jesus' robes of white and not my ugly soiled clothing.
It is time for the fall to come, the leaves to change and drop, the colors of amber, shades of yellow ochre, hues of brown, and the setting of an array of greens to cover the earth. This is all happening in my heart and I know spring is coming, but not before the winter comes to let what needs to die, die.
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